Girl Meets World

Real talk

I have to stop basing my reality on other people. It’s slowly killing me. 

No I don’t have the money you do. No I don’t have the friends you do. No I don’t have the family you do. 

But what I do have, I’m more than content with. Because I do have friends, family, and whatever else I need. 

And I’m going to get everything I want. 

I just have to go back to doing what I did junior year when I met Eddie and pursued my love of spoken word and music. 

Find the things you love, and you’ll find friendship. That I know to be true. So that’s what they mean by “doing me” hmm…

The Israelites walked in the desert 40 years

I keep getting hurt in the EXACT same way over and over and over again. 

That means I’m doing something wrong. God is still teaching me a lesson. 

Hopefully I’ll be able to fix this while I’m gone. So when I get back, I won’t have this problem anymore. 

The Israelites walked in the desert 40 years. 

I don’t have that long. So I’m going to try to fix this now (with His help) before this become a life lesson. 

Whenever I get that feeling that I’m hurting those around me by trying to be independent, I look up the people I admire most for their independence and see how much more fulfilling their lives are because they have freedom 

Sonora, my professor @SU.

Sonora, you are the someone I’ve always wanted to grow up and be. Smart, innovative, creative, headstrong, and beautiful. You are a powerful woman in a male profession, and you came all the way from an amazing job in India to prove how awesome you are to America. And you did. I never told you this, but I look up to you so much, even now that I’ve graduated. You live a fulfilling life, you trust your decisions, and you don’t let others hold you back. 

Friend of a friend (I don’t want her knowing I creep on her facebook! haha)

You come from one of the most beautiful places in the world (Hawaii) and yet you’ve been around the world and back too. I don’t know how at such a young age, you were able to do as many things as you’ve done, but I so want to go everywhere you’ve gone, or at least have the courage  to tell others I’m going and you can’t stop me. How do your parents feel about you doing so much? Do they question your ability to be safe? Do they worry about your decision making process? Do they feel like you do too much? My dream is to travel like you have done. I just hope I have the support from my parents that I believe you have from yours. 

Sara, my first friend from college. 

You encourage me so much to GO. Just go. Be safe, but go! And I couldn’t be happier that someone believes in me enough to trust that I won’t get kidnapped if I just go. You know my bubble is tiny…too tiny for someone my age. You also know that I just want to get out and make my bubble bigger. Please, keep telling me to go. With each word and sentence I gain a little more confidence to say “This is MY life. Until now, you’ve restricted me, shrinking my bubble. Now that I’m an adult, my bubble will grow until it can get no bigger!” 

Obviously there are more people I admire for going and doing. But when I get down, I usually think of these three people, (and my boyfriend and best friend who’ve been everywhere too) and I think, “I’m not doing anything wrong. You’ve just got to let me live my life.” 

End. Of. Story. 

Green-Eyed Monster

I’ve been having troubles lately with my life. 

Not that I’m not blessed. I see so much good in my life (a job in my field, college education, loving, God-fearing boyfriend who works as well, my own car, a smart phone, food on my dinner plate, health, etc.) Focusing on these things makes me think that I’m not so bad off. 

But lately this thing has been gradually creeping up on me. It’s caused heart-ache and dislike and a “woe is me” attitude. What could it be? None other than JEALOUSY. 

You know when people give you advice or you read online about what it’s like to be 20, the one thing they always leave out is the reality that:
“You’re going to get jealous of your peers and friends. Plain and simple. You’re going to compare your life to those people, and you’re going to get mad.” 

Yup. I’m there right now. I’m mad. At myself. At my situation. At my peers. At the world. You name it, I’ve probably sworn at it in the past three weeks. 

I see so many people on my Facebook newsfeed or Twitter or Instagram, Tumblr, Vine, whatever…just happy as can be because they’re in effing Disneyland or just bought a car or are ready to move out or are going on shopping sprees WHILE BEING UNEMPLOYED. 

I can’t tell you how irritating it is for a person who’s worked since she was 14-years-old to see people who have never filled out a W2 or W4 going to Ireland just because. I can’t tell you how jealous I get seeing people my age score these big jobs, make way more money than me, are in grad school overseas, or even just little things like buying a new car or moving out of their parents’ house when they don’t have bachelor’s degree, a full-time job, or any work experience, or partied most of the time in school. 

It makes me feel like I did something wrong…like I dropped the ball somewhere? Maybe if I would have gone to more parties in college? Maybe if I would have taken that internship and overworked myself AGAIN just to get more experience. Maybe if, maybe if, maybe if….the list goes on and on. 

By the way—not to interrupt, but I hope everyone reading this doesn’t begin to see me as this jealous, selfish, ugly person. I’m really not. When I see something good happen for someone else, I’m so instantly and incredibly happy for them. Especially those closest to me. I’ve just got the courage to be honest to you and say what I know some people are feeling but won’t share out loud. (unless I really am the only one. in that case……#awkward!!) 

But you know what I mean? All these wonderful things are happening for others and it makes me think that I made a wrong decision in my life because I’m definitely not as happy as their Instagram depicts them to be. I’m definitely not as fulfilled or satisfied with life as my newsfeed tells me my FB friends are. It makes me think that All my hard work was for nothing, or that the world is against me somehow, or that I’ll never actually reach my goals. I start trying to think who I can blame it on: my parents (no); my lack of hard work (heck no!); my friends (well….just kidding. that’s a NO too); the economy (not entirely); my background and where I came from socio-economically (ehh??); the issues that have plagued my life (maybe a teeny bit but probably not so much)…so then what is keeping me from happiness…scratch that…what is keeping me from Joy and Fulfillment? 

It makes me think I should do something drastic! Like move away or switch careers or go back to school and get another bachelor’s degree! Maybe I should just buy a car with no money and see what happens! Maybe I should just take a weekend and fly to San Fran by myself, don’t tell anyone, and explore! 

But then that annoying voice comes in my head—you know which one I’m talking about. That even more irritating one called REASON—Reason comes in and says “Hey, Michelle. What the heck are you thinking???!!!!$&*(@$^*@#(!! You wanna go sulk? Go right ahead. You won’t get anywhere doing that ish. No one’s gonna feel bad for you. But let me tell you something: If you were meant to have it, you would. Everyone’s got their own path. I’m not gonna tell you to focus on the good you have in life. You know how blessed you are. But your journey isn’t going to look like other people’s journeys, not even the ones with your same degree. You have to focus on you. Don’t look at so-and-so and her new car. Don’t look at how much money what’s-his-face makes . Don’t look at x,y,and z on Instagram and see they’ve gone to Disneyland AGAIN. Just focus on your journey. THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON. If you don’t have it yet, you’re not supposed to have it yet. If you aren’t in Mexico or Miami or whatever, it’s not because you didn’t earn it. It’s because you’ve got to wait for the right moment and opportunity. 

See what I mean? Annoying as fuuhhhh! Sometimes I just want to tell Reason to take a hike off a cliff! But Reason’s right (unfortunately.) As Kevin Hart says “Do you, Boo, Boo!” Well, I’ll continue to do me, and you do you, and I’ll celebrate your successes and you’ll celebrate mine, and when our kids become 20-and-some-change, we’ll tell them how to work AND go to Disneyland AND have a job AND a college degree AND a car AND most of all…we’ll tell them to be happy in the moment for what it’s worth. Because you can make your life awesome in the smallest moments whether you’re at a local festival or a club in your city or an open market in Spain or club in Miami.